Baby Mourning Leave

I haven't been back to work since the day we found out there were tumours in William's heart. It has almost been five months but to me, it feels like no time at all.  Work have been great about letting me have as much time off as I need...although they didn't really have much choice. As William was over 24 weeks when he was born, I automatically qualified for Maternity Leave....or Baby Mourning Leave as I like to call it.  On top of that, I also qualified for sick leave as I have been physically unfit to work following the operation on my neck.

I am now starting to feel a bit better physically - I am in a lot less pain with my shoulder and am off all of the painkillers and I am a bit stronger emotionally and so in recent weeks I have been thinking about whether I should head back to work. I want to try and get my life back and I know I am going to have to go back to work to try and do that.

To test the waters I have been into the office a couple of times for an hour or so. I've been in to meet HR and also been back to see my team and my bosses. I was incredibly nervous and I found the whole trip into work to be very draining but it was not as bad as I'd feared.

The worst part is that people don't know how to treat you or what to say to you. The most common reaction seems to be to look at me as though they are a rabbit trapped in headlights. They ask how you are and make polite conversation but they don't want to hear an honest answer - you can almost see the look of fear in their eyes as you start to speak- will I mention the baby I've lost? will I tell them how I really feel when they ask? Of course not. You know they don't want to hear that! They tell you "you look really well" and you laugh....after all...appearances can be deceptive and if they could have a look at you on the inside, you know they wouldn't say the same!

Hopefully, this reaction will only be short lived and once I go back to work, people will stop looking at me like I am about to shoot them and will start treating me more normally. I suspect it will take a few weeks but I hope that longer I am there the easier it will be. I'm also sure that part of it lies with me and how I think people perceive me - I have this ridiculous idea that if I walk into the work canteen, everyone will fall silent and turn to look at me and the only sound I will hear is a fork falling to the floor. In reality, this is unlikely to happen but I still know I won't be walking into the work canteen anytime soon.

So I guess the biggest questions now is whether I am ready to go back to work. The honest answer is I don't know. How can you ever know if you are ready in this situation?  At some point, you just have to take the plunge, go for it and hope you are.